August 2023

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Photo credit: (Scott Cain) "The dock that wasn't"

This morning as I lounged on the patio in near perfect summer weather. My mind wondered to other things not in the moment. And I thought about how since leaving in April my room / office had been turned into a junk closet. It was no longer my place. It was now a dim crowded little space that had once been my home. The thought a sad one, was only trumped by the realization that I had moved into that room after Maisie had moved out. I can only imagine how she felt when she returned to see her home no longer had a room for her. There was temporary space for sure. But this place was no longer her home. I understand that now. 


Could I have done things differently? I don’t know. Had I realized this then, yes I would have. There are a multitude of paths I could have chosen. But each of those is filled with as much unknown as tomorrow. 


Today she is here and happy, sleeping in the camper until noon or better like a proper teenage girl.


As I turned my mind back to the moment, I couldn’t help thinking of where my son was sleeping on the couch. Those same thoughts dwelling on his pain and suffering. And how his endurance exceeds anything else around me. Surviving great illness is not for the weak. My daily worry for him weighs heavy on my heart.


Later, I rode with Colin to Suttons bay. The weather was perfect and his music choices were delightful. As he drove and we chattered, and the term “petty” came up. Curiously, he said He thinks me the most petty person he knows. I asked him for an example, and he stated that it was not a behavior I generally acted upon, and that it was never a detriment to others. Just a normal part of me and a very relatable normal human characteristic. 


I am still not entirely sure what he was saying but, It certainly is curious what your kids think of you.


Two day later, and I am back in Richmond. Alone most of the time and really feeling it. In my mind that Grand Canyon moment where I am beginning to appreciate the loneliness my friend David Wagner has endured all these years. OOF!

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