9000 Words

The new normal happened long ago with the smoking habit I once had. It keeps me going, knowing there is a indifferent someday. But today was a struggle, yet some how I found it in me. I talked with my mom today regarding my feelings on the subject of not drinking. She too is abstaining, although her motivation is directly related to her celiac condition. Her desire to join in on the fun when family and friends are celebrating is much the same as my own. I don’t think she was ever as much of a drinker as I, but her father my gramdpa Scholpp, was a daily drinker. Much like me I don't think he considered himself an alcoholic, maybe a regular drinker. Of course this is not for me to say what his thoughts on this were. He is long gone. And his behavior is only what I remember from my youth. The thing is it gives me real pause to think if I am not a drunk, then why is it such a pain to go with out. I know why I am doing this exercise. I don’t like the effects the booze has on my e

Five O’clock. Happy hour, or maybe the witches hour? I don’t know what it is with this time of day that vexes me so. In actuality it’s not an exact time time of day that gets me. It would be more accurate to define this time of day as the transition period between the days work and the evening meal. Regardless, it is this point of the day which I find most troublesome when working on abstinence. Seriously ninety nine precent of the time I have either indifference or a solid no desire to participate in booze consumption. But in the evening after I have put down my day’s work, and I am transitioning to new activities before the evening meal meal. I find that this is the moment when I am in high desire to have a drink.   A typical day looks like this. I am packing up my day to to go home, and I start to think of how much I am looking forward to having a beverage. While I am driving home, I am also thinking of how much I am looking forward to drinks. Then when I get home, my wife dogs

And then back to one. This past week of pandemic and personal life drama had me emotionally drained. Such was the case last Friday when I broke my own rule and indulged in alcohol. The thing is, I am happy to be stuck in my house, but I know it’s only a trap of my own will to be alone. It is not typical of me to seek social interaction even when I need it. Somehow the boozy lowering of inhibitions has for many years been my emergency release button. No doubt this is only a peek at the complex equation that represents my relationship with the drink. By 11am Friday I had determined I needed it, despite the fact my intellect didn't. Despite this I am grateful that I do not feel I am as deep into the well of addiction as many others around me. And fear not I am still determined to get back onto the horse and continue to seek the waterfall I desire. Albeit bruised and dirty once again. Photo credit:  Scott Cain

       Day twelve, of my yearly month long trip to Veneralia. My dry time is always looked forward to, as my fondness for the drink seems to have become a source of love and loath in my life. Today I would love to have a drink, but my suborn won’t let me. Because it knows all the sadness it piles on me when booze is around. Although this year is diffrent in that I have not regained that ejection from despair I am accustom to while abstaining. Also my sleep schedule, typically the highlight of my liquor free vacation, has been a non-starter. My sleep pattern has remained irritatingly annoying and irregular. Although one small glimmer of what I aim to achieve is paying dividends. When I awake in the morning, my self esteem is feeling quite full of pride. So despite my lack of good sleep, I am happier when I wake in the morning. Especially when having not had two or three cocktails the previous evening. Also the thing that has become a bigger issue this year is the acid reflux that I

I contemplate a sonder of your waterfall from my spot in the rapids Are hope and purpose more important than food or shelter I look for what I need in your words Is this is the leadership of occhiolism I am but a vagabond at your museum  Will my efforts drown me Frustration is all I can afford  Are you joy-filled and true Photo credit:  Scott Cain

Photo credit:  Scott Cain Inspired by: These are 10 depressing truths about human nature, by Christian Jarrett-Aeon They call it St. Urho’s Day Certainly not all the fun awaits us tomorrow Inside the soapbox I expect business as usual Hidden under a blanket of clouds Sorting yard waste, and snowflakes into semi separate piles My work here is typical, a flip of the switch and twist of the knob The noise level in the control room is overwhelming High repetition music, and constant chatter with your mannequin echo throughout the vessel If this is true for you can you say it through your eyes too I use the lever to furl the brow Because help is needed to strain into my ignorance across the void And I wonder if you like when I make eye contact Will you provide a sympathetic understanding of what it's like over there In here the floor is still moist with the remnants of a drunken folly And the kitchen my place of ugly desire For every chocolate in the box Reveals wha